Dashes and Fragments and Splices, Oh My!

I wrote the book
And read and edited
Then did it umpteen times
Until I couldn't read
Even one word more.
Then off through cyberspace 
To my editor it went
And oh, what I learned then.

Commas are necessary
For any list serial
Of puppies, cats, and parakeets.
But when they go rogue
And try to splice together
Two completely unrelated clauses
Then you must banish them from your page
So a noble period can step in
And save your wayward paragraph.

A dash isn't merely a high flying line.
An en-dash is short to 
Make hyphenated words.
But an em-dash is long
And should be used most judiciously. 
Only when you're trying
To create a little drama or
Explain something extra special. 
I'm not C.S. Lewis 
Who used them liberally
Or J.R.R. Tolkien who
Eschewed them as one should.
Now if I think I need that 
Longer dash
I'll back up and ponder longer
To remember colons
And semi-colons
Need love ❤ too!

While people don't always
Speak in complete sentences,
Authors almost always do.
Can you parse the one you wrote
And find the noun and verb?
Or is it just some random words
Rioting across the page?

And who knew
I can be passive?
In sentences,
It isn't good.
So step up!
Grab the action 
By the verbs
And just do it!
Without reference 
To any specific 
Foot covering names
Or company trademarks.
No one wants to be sued,
Least of all me!

Contrary to Emerson's opinion,
Consistency is no hobgoblin
But absolutely critical
When you're deciding
One word
Or two
Or perhaps 
A hyphenated merger.
Make a choice
And stick with it
All the way 
To the end's Happy Ever After.

It's most important
To know when your story 
Requires no added words
When the hero steps no farther
Down the primrose path
You simply stop
And say nothing further. 

And never, never, never
Change the formatting.
Save often and double check
To be sure no evil header 
Sneaks in to cause
Your editor great dismay.

I hope this little verse correctly shows the things I’ve learned (I just turned in my second pass of editing) and that my wonderfully patient editor’s job will be much easier on my NEXT BOOK!

Enjoy!